Unable to get ESP8266 wifi working

Yup, you are correct. Wow, some cool stuff in that thread, I want.

I've quintuple checked every connection. Getting the board version works, but nothing else does.

""
"AT+GMR\r\r\nAT version:0.40.0.0(Aug  8 2015 14:45:58)\r\nSDK version:1.3.0\r\nAi-Thinker Technology Co.,Ltd.\r\nBuild:1.3.0.2 Sep 11 2015 11:48:04\r\nOK\r\n"
")e\xE9M\xAAK\xF8"
Done!